I’m frustrated that I didn’t ultimately love Wrecked. 38 well-known people lavish praise in the beginning pages, and Amazon might explode with all the good reviews. I wanted to absolutely love every single word in this book. But the last chapter was such a let-down for me.
So, I write this fully aware that I may be misinterpreting things, or misreading, or something. Anything. Or it could just be an inherent character flaw that I have to analyze and critique absolutely everything to death. Also, I’m pretty sure after this, no one will ever ask me to do a book review for them.
So anyway. The things I loved. Pretty much the first 8 chapters. I have a little quibble with ‘the gifts don’t precede the call’, but that’s about it.
I love that he starts out telling about all of these people who “intentionally made room for others.”
Being wrecked is being introduced into another way of life.
It pulls you out of your comfort zone.
It calls out the greatest parts of you.
The idea that we will have to suffer, endure, persevere and go through pain for others is beautiful.
We have to engage with pain and suffer with others.
Doing good feels bad.
Life is lived in the midst of the mess.
I need the reminders that this is what life lived for others is about.
“We can no longer sit by and watch the world go to hell. We must engage, interact, and be part of the redemption.”
Basically, find your calling and do work that matters. Excellent advice for anyone, whatever age and whatever season they are in, right?
But then in Chapter 9, he basically says traveling and exploring and doing different things are only options when you are in your 20’s. What if you miss out on that in your 20’s? Are you just screwed?
Chapter 10. I’ve read the book twice, thinking maybe I missed something the first time around, but I was just as frustrated the second time.
“You’ll get married, buy a house, have a few kids. Or you’ll work a nine-to-five, stop volunteering, and worry you’ve lost your edge……You have a chance – the most important opportunity of your life, in fact – to bring people along on the journey. You get to wreck others.”
“After being wrecked, a lot of people struggle with boredom…But there’s an alternative: you can help other people find their purpose, just like you found yours.”
“But the call was changing, evolving. I was no longer supposed to face the brokenness ‘out there.’ I was having to deal with the nastiness of my own selfish heart.”
Really? Once we settle down in our 30’s with responsibility, we stop facing brokenness in the world? Our only purpose becomes inspiring others younger than ourselves?
He talks about being bored, becoming normal, and how we don’t want to do that. So we must die to ourselves, to our wants for something different, and become uncomfortable with being normal.
“When you’re 22, getting wrecked may mean abandoning your job and traveling the world….It may be spurning the corporate climb and taking a position with a local nonprofit. When you’re 35, doing the uncomfortable thing may mean cleaning the house or paying the bills. It may look like making sure the kids aren’t late for school or that you don’t miss a soccer game. It’s less glamorous, but the lesson is the same: your life is not about you.”
Can I just say that I hate this part? I hate it and I think it’s misguided. Being wrecked is not about attending a soccer game.
I understand that he is talking somewhat about his own life and struggle. But I don’t think you can paint with such a broad brush and say ‘these are the seasons, and this is what it looks like when you’re 25 and 35.’
The chapter ends great. Find a mess and step in it. Move, act, respond. “Choose the hard option. Do what comfort screams ‘no’ to – what will ultimately shape you and help others….Step into inconvenience.”
Our culture, especially our Christian culture, is constantly telling us we need to be better spouses, better parents. We need to lead and train our children, we need to study the Bible more. We need to focus on our sins more. We need to take care of our house and cook healthy meals. The Christian culture does not tell us that we need to actually be broken and poured out for others. And now this book tells us we are to literally wreck ourselves for others, but only until it’s time to settle down and be responsible. I’m sorry. I just don’t agree. In fact, I would dare say this is partly why there is such an extended period of adolescence. Why get married and settle down if that is the end of your adventurous period?
This is partly why I struggle so deeply with who I am and what my life should be about. I’ve known since I was an early teenager that I did not want my life to just be about being a good citizen, raising children who are also good citizens, who raise more good citizens. I know there is more to life than that, but so few people are out there championing us all to find redemption and restoration in the pain and suffering of the world.
I know there are other people out there who continue, as married, responsible adults, to pour themselves out for others. Since he was quoted in the book, I’ll use Matthew Paul Turner as an example. He’s married with kids and yet travels, engaging with brokenness. And yes, he is inspiring other people and inviting other people to join him on that journey, but he is still doing it himself. He’s not just saying ‘when I was 25 I traveled once, so you should go sponsor a kid’,….he’s actually going. What does that look like in his day to day life? Does being invited to go on a trip cause tension or joy in the house? How does a family decide to make continually being involved a priority? Somehow he has found a balance of still being actively engaged in the brokenness and redemption of the world. He is not merely going to soccer games (or flying kites). I wish we could have heard stories from people like that who have found a way to balance involvement with the world out there as well as involvement with their family.
How does ‘we can no longer watch the world go to hell’ square with ‘making sure the kids aren’t late for school’? Can’t we do both? Is there a mess in the world I can enter besides potty-training???
What I wanted out of this was inspiration for me to continue to be wrecked and broken in this ‘committed’ season I am in. Not to be told I have missed my chance. I am deeply uncomfortable with just being normal and only focusing on my family, and I’m just kind of annoyed that I’m being told yet again, that this is the season I’m in and I just have to suck it up, because this is what it means for me to be wrecked.
I am very uncomfortable writing all of this out, actually. Reading Jeff’s blog is the reason I finally started blogging. I actually read his old blog, Wrecked for the Ordinary before they stopped updating it. I really respect who he is and what he does. But I wrote this because I am very passionate that getting involved with the world, loving and serving the other, and pursuing justice is not something that stops when we get a mortgage and have kids. I absolutely believe in the message of Wrecked, which is why I’m pushing back against the last chapter so hard. I believe everything written in the prior chapters is absolutely important and needed. We all need to be Wrecked. I just don’t believe the involvement stops when the mortgage begins. Jeff is actually doing a live Q&A with SheLoves on Wednesday, and I want to ask him about these things. So I wrote this out so he would have a chance to read it and think about it, because if I was in his shoes, I’d love to think through some of this beforehand. And, I have no idea if my questions about this would even have a chance to be answered, because I have no idea how those things work or how many people will be in the session.
As I said on Twitter, these are important questions, regardless of what Jeff meant by his last chapter. Maybe he was trying to make a ‘wrecked’ way of living applicable to people who can’t go overseas or something? But I agree with you that cleaning and paying bills are not ‘uncomfortable’ activities. That’s not to say those activities aren’t important, or even that they don’t build the kingdom, but I do wish the bar would have been set a little higher than that. How about organizing a fundraiser for a child prison ministry in Uganda? How about volunteering at a food shelf where you’ll come in contact with people you wouldn’t otherwise? How about intentionally living in community with people way, way different than you?
Looking forward to Jeff’s responses during the chat. Thanks for asking the hard questions, even if you had to be critical to do it. Kudos.
Caris, I haven’t read the book yet, but from what you write, your critique is spot-on. As someone who struggles every day to involve her children in her ministry and who leads a life with a family that is out there and engaged in the mess, I’m really, really tired of hearing from other people that they can’t come work with my refugee friends because they have kids or they’ll come for a short time but they won’t get inolved in real ways. The adventures look different in my 30s, for sure, than the world-traveling crazy-moving I did in my 20s, but it’s more sustained and more real. It’s not about me feeling good about myself and visiting “the poor,” but about putting down roots in an under-served community with my family. And it looks (I hope! I pray!) like the missionaries and ministers I admire who have been quietly loving people and pouring out their lives. Thanks for sharing your frustrations–I think these are very important points.
I love how brave you are. You are so convicted in your spirit you have to speak out. You must be a prophet in your spiritual gifting, and probably a teacher as well. You are spearheading a more critical and honest way of reading and thinking and discussing. It’s not going to be easy and people may not like you for it!! But your opinion is valuable and necessary. Your voice is a treasure. Don’t stop speaking up!!!!
I haven’t read the book, but I resonate with your critique. As someone who has had the opportunity to travel, explore and make a difference (I hope) in the larger world, but who is now figuring out what it means to live this wrecked existence in mid-life, living in a typical American city and seeing two teenagers through high school, I believe there must be more than what he offers in the tenth chapter. I am learning to find purpose and meaning in the daily routines of American life, but I don’t want paying bills, getting my kids through school and being a responsible parent to describe the sum of my existence. Good for you to question this and look for more in life. You haven’t missed out. We haven’t missed out, even if being wrecked at 30 or 40 does look different than it might have at 20.
Thanks for giving the book a thoughtful read (and reread), Caris. And I appreciate you following my blogging journey for so long.
You’re right that life doesn’t have to slow down or lose its adventurous appeal once you enter a season of commitment. I totally agree. That’s the reason why I wrote Wrecked: to encourage people who were scared of stepping into commitment and give them hope.
What I tried to do in Chapter 10 was debunk this idea that if you’re not doing super-amazing things that someone you’re not living your purpose. The fact of the matter is that for most people, life DOES slow down. And according C.S. Lewis, that’s a good thing. How can we effect lasting change if we’re constantly moving around all the time?
You raised Matthew as an example. He’s an excellent one. Most days, he’s not galavanting around the globe. He’s taking care of his kids and finding time to write and help World Vision with their social media. But, as you noted, he does make room in his life to step into the mess. He embodies that tension between adventure and commitment that we all need to struggle with, which is what it means to be wrecked.
Regarding whether orphan advocacy is more spiritual or important or needed than taking your kids to a soccer game: I can identify with your frustration, but honestly that’s the biggest lesson I’ve learned in this season. I used to tell people whether they were doing something significant — because in my mind, I believed that some activities were far more important than others. And maybe they are, but what I’ve learned is this:
We don’t get to decide what’s important work and what’s not. All we get to to do is submit to our part in the story and keep choosing uncomfortable moments. So if keeping the house clean isn’t the embodiment of discomfort for you (it can be for me), then go do something else. Something that matters. We’re counting on it.
Btw, I would never tell you to suck it up. I think the lesson of any season of life is to relearn obedience and understand that what makes us grow is often the thing we’re avoiding. Sometimes, it’s seemingly remarkable and other times it looks mundane. The funny thing is often it’s both. Thanks again.
Thanks, Kim. That’s what I was going for. I resonate with what Caris says in her bio: “Is following Jesus just for people who can do mighty and big acts?” And: “Do I have to live different or just live better?”
Wrecked was my journey of processing some of these questions and arriving at the life I was called to live, which at times wasn’t the one I wanted. Still, I’m learning what a gift it is.
The bottom line for me is we don’t get to decide these things: what constitutes an “awesome” or “normal” life. We only get to choose the discomfort, and given our context that may look very different from what we think makes for a great story.
Caris – I totally feel you 🙂 I can honestly say that my journey through the book was similar to you. I need to reread it as well. I loved the beginning but the turn it took surprised me a bit. I am 32 and a homeschool mom and my husband and I have been looking for mission work for the last few years (really for much longer, but more intensely in the last few years). I know there is a mission field everywhere and our family is our mission field but I have such a burden to help overseas in places where parents can’t feed their kids no matter how hard they work, or where kids are orphaned and have no where to go. We have been very very close to a few positions that I could totally see us being a perfect fit for but everything has fallen through for us so far. (still don’t know what God has planned for us and I am up for anything 🙂
What I pulled away from the book was my lack of commitment to my current life. I have been living with one foot looking for adventure/radical service all my adult life. I totally think God could call me to do something like that but my deciding that I ‘should’ be doing something ‘big’ and ‘fancy’ for Him affects how I relate to my current life. I have found myself not content and searching for where I need to be instead of just allowing God to use me where I am. This idea hit me kinda hard, and I wasn’t expecting it. That is why I was going to try and read it again and pray about it.
Your review was well thought-out and it takes guts 🙂 It is good to meet you!
Very thoughtful review, Caris (after reading TWICE, how
could it not be!). I wondered about chiming in, and obviously decided to – perhaps
for the benefit of those who haven’t read the book (which Amazon is probably
making ridiculously affordable. It would cost you more to THINK about buying,
than to just buy it!). I’m fifty years old, and this book actually is
playing a pretty big part in some major life-change decisions for my wife and
I. And it seems you and I both agree
that Jeff’s message gets under your skin – in good ways. Maybe that’s the only takeaway for some
people (and maybe that’s mission accomplished?) The book also brought some AHA moments for us,
as we processed some of our past adventures-in-being-wrecked. Did we love every single word? Nah. Speaking
as an old (young at heart) guy, we’re primed for more adventures, and we’re a
little bit wiser for reading this.
I am 42 and I appreciate Caris’s thoughts and the following comments. Several comments gave me words to what I was feeling as I was reading about age progression and our focus. I got married at 19, have 4 children and recently became an empty-nester. As a young stay at home mom somehow I developed the mind-set that I was a missionary in my own home. I am sure it was from somone I heard speaking on one of the myriad’s of talk shows I would listen to during nap times. Looking back, I am grateful for that mind-set because it was not easy and many times uncomfortable. I always knew it was worth it but with no outside accolades, it could feel lonely and unappreciated. Today, I love being a cheerleader for the 20-something moms who are being missionaries in their own homes. That does not make me a work outside your home mom-hater, staying home is just my experience. So, I guess you could say, being a stay at home mom Wrecked me. Now I find joy in choosing to encourage moms who are also choosing to be wrecked in this way. Two of them now, my daughters! Today being wrecked looks more peaceful for me. I have a long way to go but the concept of denying myself and taking up my cross does not come with such a fight. It is in surrender, to whatever way I am being called to be wrecked, that I find the greatest satisfaction, I still want to go to Africa and hold babies though!
Interesting perspective.
I think if Jeff hadn’t been broad in his statements, there would have been too many chapters. He can’t cover everyone and everything in one book.
It’s weird how we all read things different ways. That’s probably why God made us all different. I don’t think Jeff meant life stops in your 30’s. We have to look beyond that.
Thanks for your honest critique and I hope you’re able to get some answers and understanding, and, that you don’t at all feel like it’s too late for you to be “wrecked” or travel the world.
Thanks so much for commenting, Jeff. It’s nice to hear and understand what your goal was with the chapter. And I think there is something to your point. Because obviously the bills do have to be paid somehow, and we don’t want to neglect our families for the sake of everyone else. But I guess I wonder if taking care of our family is an example of being wrecked. I have to be obedient in keeping a somewhat clean house, because otherwise we live in chaos. But my heart doesn’t break if the dishes don’t get done.
So, is there a difference maybe between doing something b/c we’re wrecked, and doing something b/c it just needs to be done? And that’s not to say that what needs to be done isn’t important. But maybe just b/c something is important doesn’t mean we’re doing it because we’ve been wrecked.
I guess this is where the balance part I was hoping for comes in. I think you can clean house and go to soccer games, but also be active in addressing the serious issues of the world. I don’t think it has to be either/or. Otherwise, what are all of these organizations and advocacy groups trying to do in spreading their message? Are they just trying to reach those certain people who feel pulled to that specific issue? Or are they trying to convince everyone that they can all do something to change the world?
I relate to your struggle b/c that’s been my biggest one for years, but it’s funny, because I’ve ended up realizing that I should be able to take care of my family and do something to address the global issues as well. Maybe it’s the difference between our life stages – starting parenting, or having done it for a long time, lol.
I’m also wondering if part of our difference here is in your definition of choosing obedience, and not necessarily choosing what will make an interesting story. I was kind of fascinated by that line in the book, since living a good story is all the rage, and I’m eagerly awaiting the Donald Miller Storyline book. I was curious as to what your thoughts were on story, but maybe I’ll ask that on Wed. But I wonder if that is actually an important point in this discussion.
Oh and I know – well, I can imagine I know – that you wouldn’t say suck it up to anyone. That was more just a generic feeling that I get when I combine all the advice I’ve gotten over the years.
People constantly tell us that we’re going to have that more adventurous part when we’re in our 40’s, because we had kids so young. And I’m always like yeah, but what if I die young. It is something to look forward to, though.
Yes, I’ve totally struggled with contentment for several years. I love that it says that Paul had to learn to be content. That kept me at peace with my struggle for a long time. It’s only been this year, actually, that I’ve started feeling a lot more content with where I’m at. Part of that has come because I’ve finally realized that just because the church tells me my focus should be within these 4 walls, it doesn’t mean it has to be. And so now it’s starting to be a little fun and interesting (and frustrating) trying to figure out how best to have our family, and teach the kids, how to care about and help the world.
oh, come live by me, please? 🙂 I am finally starting to just pray about finding a good place for us to get involved in deep, committed service. I don’t want to just pop in and do a couple of hours here and there and different places – which I don’t usually do, actually. Part of that is because I can’t find a place to help where I could bring at least my oldest kids to get involved. I don’t think kids should have to be a hindrance to getting involved with people. But I’m also terrible at organizing and starting things and there’s no way I could try and create something. It would be so much easier for us to jump in with something that is already up and running. And ideally it would be working with people from other cultures, since that is what I feel so pulled towards.
I am so glad we’re friends 🙂 You are such an encouragement to so many people. 11 days!
Thanks for reading. I got married at 20, so I can relate! I bet your daughters are so grateful to have your encouragement. It’s not an easy job!
Thanks for your thoughts…yes, it is interesting isn’t it? That’s what keeps the world so fascinating, right? Actually the book was good enough, I would have gladly read 10 more chapters of stories!
That’s so cool to hear it affected you guys so much. I’m sure I’d have different reactions reading the book at different ages and life stages, that’s for sure!
I love your examples Kim. That was kind of what I was going for – affirming the mundane and yet getting involved too. Just because something isn’t fun, or is uncomfortable in one sense, doesn’t mean it’s the wrecked sort of discomfort. Maybe your next book can be Wrecked, While Still Paying the Bills 😉
This was a good review. I understand where you might have come to some of your conclusions. However, I am a firm believer that we need to follow what God calls us to do, and that we can impact change right where we are. Sometimes we get too caught up in thinking it has to be big and somewhere far away. Yet, I think God wants most of us to pay attention where we are. To our neighbor going through a divorce. the homeless person on the corner, the coworker in the cubicle next to us, and even in our own families. When I read books like this, I take the lessons that speak to me and try to do something with them. We can make a difference. We just have to take the first step.
Well I think it’s a dangerous fallacy to consider some activities important and others mundane. I would challenge whatever is driving that. I work with people who spend their lives looking out for the poor and I can honestly say the biggest challenge for many of my colleagues is committing to what we would call a “normal” life. It’s a matter of perspective. I think a good story is one in which you live out the role you’ve been called to live. I just read Storyline, and Don says basically the same thing. Best to you as you discern what is yours.
Hmm… That was what I tried to do in the first place. Again, I have to challenge the idea that mundane discomfort can’t wreck us. It can. Do you know your neighbors? Do they know you love them? I can’t say mine do, and I want to change that.
I hear what you’re saying….and I don’t disagree that the mundane can’t wreck us. But is that the only way? If I had to boil down what I didn’t like to one thing, it would be that the non-mundane wreckage wasn’t shown. It’s a yes and no to your question, and I would love it to be completely a yes. But when the answer involves getting deeply involved in the people and their issues, then it requires more time, money, organization than just having someone over to dinner. And then, for me, that transforms it from a ‘mundane’ thing, to intentional outpouring. But that requires looking outside ourselves, outside our own walls….which circles back to my original point, haha. Maybe we’re just coming at this from 2 completely experiences/perspectives. Hearing what you’re saying about your colleagues helps put what you’re saying more in perspective and makes it more understandable.
Caris – what a great review. I love the fact that you were honest and spent time rereading to clarify your thoughts around Wrecked. Wrecked hit me right where I needed it — it was confirmation that I had spent too much of my life playing it safe and living a “normal” life. Normal isn’t bad, it’s just that I was so busy going through the motions of getting my daily to-do’s done that I missed so many opportunities to serve others. I think a lot has to do with the seasons of life you’re in. When my kids were small I was a “wreck” 🙂 — but it took everything I had to meet their needs and survive the day. We found opportunities as a family to go off on mission trips, but yet when we’d return home all would be the same. Upon one trip to the inner streets of a big city, my children commented on our way home “Mom, I’m sure glad we don’t have places like that in our city.” Of course we do, just 7 miles from our home. Love to see you process – seems I’m always doing the same!
I’ve been meaning to comment on this post all day. I’ve read a bunch of best selling Christian books and have had my share of critiques to share. I applaud you for launching this discussion and for engaging Jeff about his book without slamming him, as some reviewers do at times. As an aside, I often feel like reviewers are either too nice or too mean and pontificating. I really appreciate someone willing to wrestle with the nuances of a book. I feel like I have so much more to say here about writing a book, the various points in the comments, etc, but my newborn has completely worn me out tonight!
Of course it’s dangerous to say there’s only one way. Sometimes, there is, but it’s still dangerous. I’m sure there are lots of ways to get wrecked.
I never meant to say doing mundane things was the only way to get wrecked (i.e. to live a significant story that upsets your comfort) in your 30s. I only meant it was an option. Would you disagree with that?
No, not at all. I know that there can be wreckage in the midst of everydayness. It just felt like the book was ‘awesome story, awesome story, awesome story, pay the bills’. I think you do have good points on how you can’t just live in the extremes. But I think there can be a balance between pouring ourselves out in normalcy and pouring ourselves out in bigger and deeper ways.
Ha, I understand! I’d love to hear your thoughts if you ever have the time!
I have shared your thoughts (not about the book because I haven’t read it yet) but your issue With it. Then I got my wish and went with my husband on a mission trip. It was us being wrecked. It was being wrecked by a long term illness and recovering and then pouring myself out. But my biggest takeaway was that if I could save an orphan, it would be to give them the mundane sports mommy, etc. they had food, shelter. They didn’t have anyone who cared about them as individuals. So I resolved to stop trying so hard to teach my sons there is more to life than sports and be their biggest cheerleader. I will write about changing the world, but my season is raising mine for now. And I finally believe that is awesome and epic.
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