I’ve been pretty open about my name being a pseudonym.
As I think about 2013 and picking my one word, I wondered.
Can I somehow learn to merge my deep, idealistic thoughts and wonderings with my daily-interacting-with-real-people life?
I’ve had a couple of people ask me about my life with a pen name, and if it was hard or if I regretted it.
Overall, I enjoy having a name that I like, and a place I can explore my thoughts. I feel like if people are here reading, it’s because they want to, not just creeping on me because they know me. Privacy is very important to me (odd, when I write on the internet), and having this little corner of the world that is mine, means a lot. I’m not jumping to tell everyone I know that I reveal some of my deepest thoughts and struggles here.
But I was talking to someone the other night, a writer friend, who also happens to be on my personal facebook page. She’s very perceptive and insightful, and this is the wisdom she shared:
“I see you straddling two worlds out of necessity, not indecision. You need all those parts of you to be together – integrated…I feel like there are parts of you you have to hold back…I hate to see you diluted.”
What amazed me, was that without being in my daily life, she could so clearly identify something so true.
I think what is the hardest part about having a pseudonym is not the anonymity itself, but trying to keep my thoughts and beliefs to places where they are acceptable.
And that is why my word for this year is Bold.
Someone I know recently told me ‘you are bold in your meekness’. Which meant a lot to me, because that means somehow, some of what I am is coming through even though I try so hard to subdue it.
I often feel as if I have a split personality. My facebook feed is very conservative, my twitter feed much more liberal. I am much more open and talkative on my blog, but in real-life groups I tend to clam up.
So I want to work on integrating myself this year. I don’t want to be ashamed of, or embarrassed about, my thoughts and beliefs- who I am.
But at the same time; there is so much risk and vulnerability that goes along with being bold. I’m finding that the places in my life that need boldness are also those places that hold so much of my identity and life – church.
How can I be bold when the risk of non-acceptance is so real? When I have experienced it – from my friends!!! When I have taken a principled stand, when I have put myself in the shoes of the other, and found myself rejected? This isn’t some hypothetical situation I have to deal with. Can I be me and still be wanted, not merely tolerated, in my church?
Because here’s the thing. Churches and Christianity want so badly to be relevant, so they say, ‘oh yes, we welcome doubts and questions, honesty and authenticity,’ and I’m sure for some people this is true. But my experiences, my impressions, have showed me that for the vast majority, what they really mean is, ‘be honest about your questions because then we can tell you the only right answer.’
Riddle me this – how can I be bold in acknowledging that I just bought The Language of God and The Evolution of Adam, when I live in a Ken Ham culture? Is there room for people to at least investigate it and discuss it as a viable option?
Is there room somewhere for me to say I personally don’t care because science isn’t my thing, but I’ll be damned if I send my science-minded kids off to college and careers in archaeology with a creationist background?!
Read You Lost Me Chapter 7, and then come back and talk to me about my decisions.
And of course, I dare not tell anyone that my husband and I gave up inerrancy last year, and Inspiration and Incarnation and Bible Made Impossible are on our list to read together. I guess people can just sign us up for hell right now.
Would I be welcome to offer opinions and thoughts in community group, bible study, if I viewed part of the Bible as poetic instead of literal? If I thought every single Bible story wasn’t necessarily about Jesus and salvation, but a collection of people’s experiences with God?
I’m not asking for them to give up creationism or inerrancy or penal substitution. All I would like to see is nuance, humility and for them to say, ‘there are many options and they all could be valid, because we all see through a glass darkly.’ Because, like it or not, Christians believe these things!!! So why can’t we openly make room for those beliefs in our churches?
There are 9 spirituality types. 16 personality types. Right and left brains. Different learning styles.
We are all so different. Why do we expect our faith to be so uniform? Can’t we say, ‘some people see literally, and some people see poetically and that’s ok?’ How about a sermon series on the varying thoughts on the atonement? Because you know what? They are probably all true. Why do we try so hard to simplify God?
So the question for me is, how do I be bold in the middle of all of this? How do I affirm myself, my husband, my children, in the middle of a world that can feel so inhospitable at times?
It feels like we don’t really create a churchy system of boldness. We don’t encourage people to stand out or follow God in the way it seems best for them. Because, obviously, there is only one way to do it.
As I’ve processed this word for this year, I realize I don’t know how I’m going to do it. The only thing I know is that by being silent, by being inauthentic, I feel fake and dishonest.
So hopefully this next year will reveal how I can take steps to be authentically me, integrated and healthy, online and off, as I work out what it means for me to be bold.
I can so empathize about having strong opinions then never expressing them. I love your brave One Word, and I look forward to seeing how it unfolds with you, friend.
Bold is a bold word, one that requires you to step out and take risk. I applaud you for doing so and will be watching (and cheering for you) as you share with us how this looks in real life.
I was reflecting this morning on similar thoughts and recognized that in the past year I have grown bolder, but have not yet reached a point where I could say I live with the full authenticity I desire. It’s hard to do in a culture — particularly that within the church as you mention — that doesn’t really affirm diversity. Are we willing to be misunderstood, even rejected, because we are not willing to put on a particular religious veneer just to gain acceptance?
Thanks for sharing your journey with us. You are not alone in it!
I keep trying to leave you a comment, and Disqus keeps deleting it. Isn’t there a “When in Comments” GIF like that? 😉
Happy New Year, friend! I can’t wait to see how you live into boldness this year!
I “came out” on my blog this year as a feminist who is also a member of a southern Baptist church. I feel you. It was scary but good and I was AMAZED at the acceptance I got from my congregation. This year my word is unashamed.. It isn’t about being right or what anyone else thinks, but rather completely comfortable in the journey God has given me.
Love how you articulated this. I’m so glad you have a word that really embodies you. (and your button is beautiful =)
Man, THIS is going to be an interesting journey for you. Best of luck!!!
I know, didn’t she do a great job making them? I think it’s more we’ll see if I can embody the word, haha!
Oh wow, that must’ve been a terrifying experience. That’s amazing you had the courage to do that. That’s so cool they surrounded you like that. One of the things I wonder is if I’d actually get that kind of response and I’m holding them back by not being as honest about who I am? But on the chance that I’m right, I want to tread slowly, lol.
haha, I know. It took me awhile to get these to start replying.
It makes it easier to try and attempt this knowing there are people out there who relate and are with me!
thanks Andrew!
I think that is going to be putting it mildly!!
Yes, tread slowly, perhaps not that many people were surprised. But mostly I was amazed at the amount of space loving each other can cover.
So excited to listen to and walk alongside you in this journey of BOLDness!
Me too!
“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww!” ~Kerouac #burnburnburn
One of my favorite quotes!
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