Though it pales in comparison
To the overarching shadows, 
A speck of light can reignite the sun
And swallow darkness whole.

– Sleeping At Last

He said “ Many of those stories highlight the bad parts of growing up evangelical.”  And he’s right.  My best memories and most formative moments happened over 9 summers at a Baptist bible camp.  Funny how 9 weeks out of 468 can be so life-changing.

But if the bad on-fire days are in the past, why does the pain feel so present?

***

I’ve been church website shopping for months now, weeks especially, once we knew exactly where we were moving.  I still don’t think the answer to ‘problems with evangelicalism’ is always to leave, but I think for me, it might be.  Probably is.  I think my personality + too many burns = scars.

The churches I’m checking out are basically the same as every church I’ve attended, all 10 of them (although I did love our Vineyard), and I just don’t think I can do it any more.

If every service has ‘an opportunity to make a decision to follow Jesus’ or your staff consists of 9 men and 1 woman, or in your beliefs section you say ‘we promote strong family values’, or even something as simple as ‘we want to show people the love of Jesus’ and then have a strict and certain Statement of Faith – then I already know how it’s going to go.  Even a church that looks so good on the surface, but talks about how they ‘exist to point those far from God to life in Jesus’ makes me walk away.  I don’t believe God is far from anyone!  Even that phrase is a tell-tale sign of a typical evangelical bent.

(I was actually going to do this long list of immediate turnoffs on a church website, but it got long and snarky.  But oh my gosh, an autoplay video that is about becoming a member, complete with a link to download a membership manual, plus 7 other membership videos that all autoplay simultaneously?  Just no.)

And that’s not to say God isn’t working in these churches or the people aren’t nice or aren’t actually doing good in their community or anything else.  But I’ve been in this church game for 31 years and 363 days.  I know how it’s played and I know what the trendy phrases mean.

I don’t care what your tagline says.  I don’t think you mean it for absolutely everyone.  I’m sorry.  Maybe I really am just a judgmental ass and am missing out on something good.  This evangelical set-up has obviously worked for the majority of the people, because it’s still going strong.

But what about the minority?  Not every person is going to mesh with every church, obviously.  But there’s a sizeable minority of people who do not feel accepted at church in general!  Does that really not matter to most evangelical churches?  (Besides how it affects their pocketbooks or political power?)  I want to find an evangelical church that welcomes liberals to come (and stay) just as they are.

Instead of a church website telling me how biblical, relevant, entertaining, or talented their services are, – I’d love to see it tell me the ways they know they are missing the mark.  I would love to hear a pastor stand up, and instead of welcoming guests and telling them how glad he is to see them, to just say, ‘Sometimes we fuck up.’  Because when people get burned because of what you do or say, it is a fuck-up.  (And when it happens systematically over 20+ years, you have a BAMF problem on your hands.)  That’s why they invented the phrase shit happens.  Because it does.

But why can’t churches be honest about it?  Or say, ‘you know what?  Everyone really isn’t welcome here.  If you’re a feminist or an evolutionist, you probably will be happier somewhere else.  I’m sorry we’re not better at welcoming that.’  I might even stay at a church like that, just for the honesty.

***

Abby said when it comes to teens, they aren’t able to see nuance and shades of grey thinking because “Their frontal lobe isn’t all there.”  And you know, that’s an excellent point.  Really excellent as I think about my 12 year old, and the other 4 quickly following her.

Our evangelical church system is set-up to take a pre-teen, who is just coming into that ‘parents are stupid’ phase, pair it with that missing lobe, and put them in front of youth leaders who are all about ‘the Bible clearly says’ and goes to ‘on-fire’ conferences.  And this burnt-out parent is supposed to be ok with that. 

If my daughter is going to drink in a youth leader’s words more than mine, I’d like them to not be in complete opposition.  I’d also love it if my kids didn’t think I’m just angry and always disagree with everything.  Because I’m not.  Well ok, I kind of am, but only because I’m finally finding myself and learning what I fundamentally believe, and finding myself all alone in a crowd where I’m supposed to be welcomed ‘just as I am’.

 “Don’t pretend you don’t have beliefs. Know your place,” he said.

Anne said it best in her post.  These things hurt “largely because they happened in church.”

When we set up a system that says, ‘you must attend to be fully human and loved’, then damn it – make it a bigger priority to actually accept and love all humans!

I know there are bad and good experiences in any group.  Work, school, Facebook groups.  We’re human.  Shit just happens.

But if a church isn’t aware of and at least partially focused on the minority who doesn’t fit in (and not just the minority who isn’t saved, or who are ‘broken’), then I’m out.  To me it isn’t a Jesus-like church, because Jesus was all about the minority.

Stop selling me on your sermon series to get me to come to your church on Sunday!  Sell me on Jesus!  Sell me on communion!  If it’s actually a welcoming church, then I’ll want to be there, even if you’re a little boring.  (I hope.  I saw one website that featured a 1 hour 11 min 54 second sermon.  That had better be a good sermon.)

I would love to stay in the church tradition I know.  But I can’t find a church that will have me.  I have burnt out in phases and various life stages, now simply a bed of ashes, looking for a spark.

***

I’m trying out a church on Sunday.  A new(ish) tradition, but one that I think will fit our whole family.  God, I hope so.  If it is, I will cry tears of joy and relief.  But also of sadness.  Because it shouldn’t be this impossible to find a welcoming church in evangelicalism.