The women pipe up, somewhat embarrassed, somewhat joking, about how they all have trouble submitting to their husbands.
‘I know I should, but I just don’t want to.’
‘I’m not very good at it.’
Are these our only options as married Christian women? To be obedient servants, or fight guilt and shame for not being one? How do either of those options line up with how Jesus treated people, how he treated women?
*******
For a long time, my Christian brother was dating a girl, who happened to not be a Christian. She was great and we all got along. My mom was less than thrilled that he was ‘unequally yoked’, while he figured she’d come around to Jesus eventually; when she realized you could be a Christian and be normal. All during these years, I didn’t say much to her about God. I’m just not the evangelizing type, and I wanted to be her friend, not see her as a mission.
But, if I had decided to talk to this very strong, independent woman about what her life would be like if she became a Christian and ever got married, would I really have to tell her those were her only options as a Jesus-loving wife? She would have run screaming from the whole thing.
(As it turned out, she decided to follow Jesus, got married to my brother, is now going to a church where she reads Greg Boyd, N.T. Wright, and Rob Bell, so winwinwin!)*******
It sounds crazy if you lay out the realities of ‘Christian’ womanhood in marriage to a secular adult. But when you grow up steeped in it, like a bag of hot tea, it’s all completely normal and expected. It’s not until you try and drink it, that you realize it is bitter and undrinkable.
We have to start giving Christian wives, Christian marriages better options.
In these specific marriages I know of, I don’t think the men mind that their wives aren’t ‘submitting’. They aren’t controlling, over-bearing men (though I know they exist). Nor are they meek men being bowled over by a strong, domineering wife (which also happens).
These are the marriages that make patriarchians complain that they are functionally egalitarians. So why don’t we remove the guilt and shame? Is there a way to bring the option of equality up in a church group without turning it into a debate?
I’m not sure what the answer is. I’m not good at debating or talking about conflict in person. This issue seems even harder because there is so much guilt and shame surrounding this issue, for men and women. Women feel guilty for not submitting and men feel guilty for being unable to stand up to the pressure of headship.
The church has created a vicious merry-go-round that breeds unhealthy marriages.
What we need is more people who have jumped off and are telling people how freeing it is to stand on level ground.
This post is part of Rachel Held Evan’s Week of Mutuality where people are doing just that. Tomorrow I’ll share my story of how I discovered I was an egalitarian, and that in fact, it was quite biblical.
“Are these our only options as married Christian women? To be obedient servants, or fight guilt and shame for not being one?”
In my mind, this is the real tragedy of patriarchy (and I consider complementarianism to be patriarchy). I’ve seen many very vivid examples of how shame and guilt over this issue can keep a woman, or anyone from that matter, from being everything they were gifted and created to be. It’s one of Satan’s biggest strongholds in the church.
Blessings.
Jonathan
http://togodpraiseandglory.wordpress.com/
” I’ve seen many very vivid examples” Yes! So then it seems like it would be easier to bring this issue up to people and talk about it….but it’s so hard to take that first step, when you don’t know what the reaction of those people will be. And of course that kind of fear and discomfort isn’t healthy either…..the more I get into this topic the more I really see it as the curse that it is.
i think we just don’t talk about marriage enough. we’ve lost the community element that wendell berry and others describe. couples announce they’re getting divorced and no one saw it coming because we’ve become so privatized. we don’t know how others navigate conflict or make decisions. not that we need to share all, but we should share some within trusted circles, and be able to learn from each other without reinventing the wheel. more/better conversation would illuminate a third way for those trapped by patriarchal concepts unsuited for those free in Christ and made in God’s image.
my husband and i never really jumped shipped…we entered in on equal footing ten years ago this summer.glad to be back visiting you here:)
Thanks for this Caris: “The church has created a vicious merry-go-round that breeds unhealthy marriages.” If you then add in the church’s inability to talk about sexuality in a positive, healthy way, you have a double disaster for many Christian marriages. Thanks for also pointing out that its not just the women who feel guilt and shame around “submission”, but that a lot of Christian guys don’t even dare start dating because they have no idea what it means to be “the head of the house” and aren’t even sure they want that kind of ultimate responsibility.
oh, good point about no one seeing it coming. It’s really hard to open yourself up to people like that. We have one couple that we’re starting to get to know like that, and takes a lot of time and trust to do that. And then you have to hope you’re going to get good advice from each other, LOL. It feels good to be back writing…it’s been a rough month. My grandpa died and my husband got his hours cut, so he was looking for a new job, which he miraculously found one quickly, so it’s been a stressful few weeks!!
You would think with such a high divorce rate more churches would start trying to talk about things in a new way, but it just seems like they’re doubling down, convinced they are just not saying it loud enough or often enough, I guess. It’s really frustrating when you know people are hurting, and you are experiencing joy and freedom but have no good way to broadly tell people about it.
Hi Caris,
I have lived through feminism, new age, raised Catholic, hail from ridiculous marriages, endured my own mistakes in my first marriage and finally find the beauty in a Godly marriage. I don’t have the baggage from the same Church as i hear about inside this thing called Christianity. I love being a reborn Christian and all that i can now appreciate about God’s prescription for marriage. But i think many many people get caught up in the self-protection aspects of identity and pride from both sides of this discussion. I now am living a totally beautiful and submitted relationship – we both are! Sacrificial Love grows amazing submission to God as one. Equality is a distraction and the wrong objective. We women miss out on so much beauty of being lifted by a man who wants to assume his important role of godly leadership. I’m an executive who understands leadership and I also LOVE that I can submit to my husband and all that it means in a children-filled home. All Boats Rise when the Tide goes up.
I’ve written some about this on my site… I could go on! It took me until my 40s to experience this way of living… I hope more can find it.
-s
I know what you mean. Being a Texan and a former homeschooler, even mentioning this issue in my circles can elicit some marked hostility. But I finally decided somebody has to bring it up.
Thanks for your thoughtful posts.
Jonathan
ha, I homeschool, so I know exactly what you mean….I try and keep some beliefs quiet b/c I’m afraid some parents won’t let their kids play with mine because I’m too liberal and not a real christian, LOL.
Yeah, well, since I don’t have kids, the worst they can do is unfriend me. Big loss…
Yes. I jumped shipped a long time, since my husband never knew how much of a hard core ship I was on when he asked me to marry him. He helped me get off & we’ve been on the sailing in freedom for over 7 years. And still, it was hard for me to publish my mutuality post this morning. It had been siting in my drafts for days. It is really not offensive. But I was admitting I had jumped ship. And I didn’t want a battle. BUT. I see so many issues in the marriages that strive for the headship/submission model, and the gender roles that place guilt into so many non-issues.
Great post Caris!
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