What is civility in an age of text, threads, and tweets? What does it mean to have honest discussion when you can post an article on Facebook, and the comments take on a life of their own? What is common courtesy when pulses are racing, nerves are shaking, and emotions are high? Is courtesy even common anymore?
How do you handle it when you deeply disagree with your friends and they don’t care to understand why? Because they are right! They are biblical! How do you talk about issues when some people seem to shut down the conversation with their certainty?
The key is humility. We have to give up our right to be right. We have to give up our right to be heard and noticed. Our right to say whatever we want has to be sacrificed when we wound others with it.
Being civil in conversation does not mean the surface is peaceful, while unspoken tensions churn underneath. When we are disagreeing civilly, with humility, we are trying to understand. Hopefully we try to be like Jesus. How did he relate to people? How did he treat the other?
We are not going to make a difference until we make Love the highest priority. We love others by trying to understand them. By putting ourselves in their shoes.
Our calling is to love, not defend or oppress. If we find ourselves defensive, if we find the words “I just don’t understand…’ coming out of our mouths – then we need to try and understand. Seek out someone with a different experience, a different opinion, and try to learn.
Compassion is sometimes the fatal capacity for feeling what it is like to live inside somebody else’s skin. It is the knowledge that there can never really be any peace and joy for me until there is peace and joy finally for you too. – Frederick Buechner
We have to die to ourselves for the sake of other people. When we do that, we make conversation possible. Being civil in disagreement means I see you as important as me.
Jesus had compassion on people. He touched their wounds, not to inflict pain, but to bring healing.
Our goal should be love, compassion, understanding, healing. It is not our job to convince. It is our job to understand. When it comes to social media, and sharing articles, thoughts, and ideas, we don’t post to inflame, but to invite understanding.
We are afraid of that which we cannot control; so we continue to draw in the boundaries around us, to limit ourselves to what we can know and understand. Thus we lose our human calling, because we do not dare to be creators, co-creators with God. – Madeleine L’Engle
Humility comes from a place of love, not of fear. We have nothing to fear from the other. We don’t need to be threatened by people who are different from us. We don’t need to be threatened that people might interpret the Bible different from us, or not believe in it at all. Jesus never asks us to defend Him. He tells us to love people. We aren’t called to stand up for sin or the biblical definition of anything. We are called to love people. To show people Jesus. We are called to destroy the wall between us and them, not build it.
I know what it’s like to talk about something passionately. I have been obnoxious in my rightness before. I have discussed many times with people who were so convinced they were absolutely right, that there was no room for any discussion. Definite claims of rightness and truth shut down conversation. Being proud of your ignorance to any other form of understanding shuts down conversation. Being proud that the way you are standing up for Jesus is offensive shuts people down. Pride in your rightness is anti-Jesus. We have to have the humility to realize we could be wrong, to realize we could both be wrong or right.
“To be a witness does not consist in engaging in propaganda, nor even in stirring people up, but in being a living mystery. It means to live in such a way that one’s life would not make sense if God did not exist.” – Madeleine L’Engle
But anymore, I won’t argue points with you. If someone just wants to argue, I am done. But if someone wants to discuss, I will just point back to what we’re called to do. I will tell stories of why I think the way I do. I won’t try and convince you of my opinion. I will, hopefully, just point to Jesus, love, and grace.
All we can do is be a witness. Arguments aren’t won and hearts aren’t changed by a flawless defense and sound logic. Hearts and minds are changed by witnessing stories. By seeing Love.
What about you? How do you handle sharp disagreement online, especially when it’s with people you love?
Lots of other great bloggers are talking about this topic today. Check out posts by Andi Cumbo, Jennifer Luitweiler, Kristin Tennant, Suzannah Paul, and Kirsten LaBlanc. We’re also discussing how to have good discussions on Twitter with the hashtag #quicktolisten. Come join us!
This: “our job is not to convince. Our job is to understand.” The world would look so much nicer if we all adopted this policy. Well said, sister.
When I see something I sharply disagree with online, I just click the ‘x’ and get back to work. I’m completely flim-flam online for a variety of reasons. It’s just hard for me to get up on a hill and defend it in the arena of social media. I’ll discuss in person. Regarding current polarizing issues, I’m extremely–almost painfully–torn internally, so that’s plenty for me to deal with without jumping into a bunch of virtual street fights.
Thanks, Caris. Yes. Trying to make listning and understanding my goal in conversation. Trying to let love, not fear force the words I do speak. It’s been a tough week and I have been mainly silent.
Help us, Jesus. Help me.
Jennifer/Caris can you elaborate some on “Why it is our job to understand?” I would think the job is to love and understanding would be a part of that. Understanding (to me) implies that there is one who knows and one who doesn’t know. That can be very divisive when unity is the goal.
Very well written! Exactly my point. Love one another. Fear comes from not understanding & fear encourages hate.
That can be divisive, unless we are the ones saying ‘I don’t know, help to know.” I’ll just use something from yesterday, which is what I was thinking about when I wrote that part. Someone told me “I don’t understand why LGBT find me eating a chicken sandwich as offensive, b/c it’s not.” So they were set in their ways, which just leads to shouting past each other. So my response was, ‘talk to a gay person.’ You would think understanding would be part of love, but there are many people who think that pointing out someone’s ‘sin’ is loving. Taking yesterday, if that person goes out and tries to understand why their actions were offensive (and this goes both ways), it doesn’t mean they have to change their mind. But at least they can see where the other person is coming from, and maybe think twice about how they are acting/reacting. But just saying “I don’t understand, so I’m going to do what I want” doesn’t help anybody. And it’s more harmful when that’s done in Jesus’ name.
Thanks for the thoughtful response Caris. I really appreciate that. TONE IS VERY IMPORTANT obviously. Sure in some cases, tough love is the only way to show love. But that’s not remotely appropriate across the board for everyone. Also being humble and vulnerable enough to ask and more importantly to listen. I’m realizing how important listening is more and more and more as I pursue coaching especially.
I was thinking a little more big picture more so than just the recent events by the way. That is disagreements in general, not just recent events from this week.
Amen to this! I love how you put it: “The key is humility. We have to give up our right to be right. We have to give up our right to be heard and noticed. Our right to say whatever we want has to be sacrificed when we wound others with it.”
And seeing the quotes from some of my favorite Christian thinkers/writers helps further ground me in wisdom and truth. Thank you.
Very nicely put! We just have to make sure we don’t disconnect love from the truth, or elevate love above truth, or it’s really not Christ’s love we are displaying. It’s the truth part that stings and angers people. It’s the truth part that is inherently divisive. The two are one and the same. God threatens us with hell if we don’t repent, but He does it out of love. We should not be scared to tell others their actions are wrong, but do be civil about it. Yelling doesn’t work, only conversation with the prayer of Holy Spirit intervention to have eyes opened..you’re absolutely right: The key is humility. Great one!
” But that’s not remotely appropriate across the board for everyone.” Exactly!
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We just have to make sure we don’t disconnect love from the truth, or elevate love above truth, ” true, but there is a time and a place for hard truth. Being sensitive to the Spirit is definitely the way to have a healthy conversation!
I know. I got distracted reading through Walking on Water this morning, lol. So much good stuff in there.
I probably talked more than I should have yesterday!
I grew up super conservative, and now I’m fairly moderate, so I get that torn internally feeling. I try to stay away from conflict if I can, haha. It’s just too painful, especially if it’s among friends.
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I think we need to remember that people have reasons (which are not “because I hate you”) for believing the things they believe- if they are saying something hurtful/offensive, it’s usually because they don’t realize it’s offensive. When this happens, both sides need to have a little grace and understanding. Don’t jump to the conclusion that someone is a terrible person just because they said something insensitive. And at the same time, if your words hurt someone, you should listen to them and try to understand why- because that hurt is real, even if it was unintentional.