“How you treat the creation reflects how you feel about the Creator.”
– Rob Bell
I want my kids to see beyond themselves. When they get to the point where their teenage years rotate into adulthood, my hope is that they would be able to see themselves in the other, and the other in them. I wish for them to have real eyes – that they will able to see so clearly the image of God in every person, that they see past the false front that we all put on. I hope that they will become people who won’t have the subconscious internal struggle that weighs the measure of a person. No deciding if a person is cool enough or nice enough or pretty enough to be around. My ideal goal for all 5 of my children is that they would treasure all people, because all people are made in the image of God. I think I’ll feel like I have failed, in some respects, if they grow up to be incredibly selfish people.
This is a lofty goal, I admit, and I don’t even accomplish it in myself nearly as often as I’d like. But I want to set the bar high, so I will aim for more than the ordinary settling that I normally do. And I know, believe me, I know, that my kids aren’t perfect. I know they will fail at this, like all things, so I don’t say all of this as if I’m expecting them to be perfect humans when they reach adulthood.
Sometimes I just need to remind myself of why I’m doing this, to motivate me to keep on when the days overwhelm me.
Photo Credit: David Masters (Creative Commons)
Reaching a goal needs a strategy, and this particular strategy, at this stage of parenting (with young kids) is fairly simple. When one of the kids is mean to someone, my response is not the one I was taught growing up.
It isn’t to tell them to stop.
Or to simply discipline them.
And it most definitely isn’t ‘be nice because God says so’.
My response, in my good moments, is this:
“Did God make this person?”
Yes.
“Is this person important?”
Yes.
“God made everyone in his own image, and that means we are all sort of like God. {cue wide eyes} So everyone is important. We treat each other like they are really valuable. So that’s why we want to treat each other kindly. That’s why you don’t bite your brother on the butt.” (Yeah, for real.)
In the midst of their squawking and squabbling, sometimes I get this right. Sometimes, instead of yelling for them to just. be. nice. I take the time to get at their heart; their sight.
Yes! I’m terribly impatient, and see that increasing each day – which is sad since the babies are barely a year. (What’s it going to be like in 5 years, 10 years?) I need to be more intentional. I think making time and space to allow room for my heart along with their’s makes perfect sense. Thank you!
Beautiful! Love it. Thank you so much – even the “bite you on the butt” of this is familiar. haha
How I love this! I always say that I’m interested in molding and informing my daughters character, her heart not just her behavior! Hard to remember though when someone’s butt is being munched on. Hahaha! Thank you for this!
What perfect questions to ask at that moment. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing this!
This is good! I’m new to this whole concept of heart-shaping, instead of behaviour shaping… and mostly I have no idea how to do it. I sometimes think mostly I can’t even get my kids’ behaviour to be what it should be, how on earth do I get to their hearts?!
So having some concrete examples of what/how to do it is really helpful 🙂
Also, any other ideas that might help me would be great 😉
oh my gosh, you are telling me! The crazy things you never think you’d say before you have kids, LOL.
Ugh, I know. I realized the other day that I’ve finally gotten to the point where I’m not punishing for behavior (negative things) most of the time, but I’ve yet to actually really work on doing heart things (positives) most of the time. I’m kind of stuck in this neutral zone. It’s hard retraining your thoughts and habits when it’s something you’ve grown up with, and everyone around you is still doing. The only thing I really do is talk to them. I remember reading in a book a long time ago, how when 2 kids are fighting over a toy, our tendency is to say ‘who had it first’ and deal with it that way, instead of saying, ‘you’re both being selfish, so no one gets the toy’. So I hear myself saying ‘you’re being mean, selfish, greedy, etc’ a lot of the time, and intervene then. I also try and point out when they are playing good and being nice. “See, isn’t it nice having mommy not yell at you?’ haha. Sometimes I’ll give them a treat or something to reward them when they are being really nice and playing well together.
We rarely spank or ground them, and that kind of freaks me out when I think about it because I still think that I should be punishing them a lot, and if I’m not, then I must be doing something wrong. But my kids aren’t bratty or rude, and I always get compliments on them in public, so…hopefully I’m doing something right. It’s so scary doing things different sometimes!!!