Though you have done nothing shameful,
they will want you to be ashamed. – Wendell Berry
My stomach is sexy. If I don’t suck it in, I look like I’m 3 months pregnant. Which is, like, the sexiest look ever, right? Oh – and what about my salacious thighs…..that really just look like nondescript thighs? Not to mention the rest of my body that has gone kind of flat and flabby.
After years of being fairly lazy and having kids, my body has turned into average. I couldn’t be a sexy beast if I tried.
Oh wait. I forgot.
It doesn’t matter what your (female) body looks like. It doesn’t matter how chunky or skinny your stomach is.
The fact that you have one at all makes you dangerously sexy.
I mean sinful.
Society Reduces Our Essence To Sex
So I bought a bikini for the summer, my first one ever. 30 summers of protection were about to fall away. In one sinful and seemingly rebellious swoop, I revealed………………………..a stomach.
I stared at myself in the mirror in the dressing room, and realized how ridiculous the one-piece rule is. All of those summers at camp where the rule was always a one-piece suit for girls. All those summers my mom, and all my friends’ moms, would enforce the same rule because we didn’t want to show off too much skin.
It’s fascinating if you really think about it. By taking off those 8 inches of nylon in the stomach area, women gain the power of mind control! We can go from innocent girls to slutty boner-givers instantly! Behold, the magic of the stomach.
As this new awareness settled in me, I started making a list of what I had been taught about my body, and it wasn’t good. My stomach is sinful. My thighs are shameful. Obviously my breasts and vagina are of the flirting-with-the-fires-of-hell type of sin. My shoulders needed to be covered, my hands could provoke lust if they were held, and my lips were obviously off-limits.
Apparently the only safe parts of my body are my arms, lower legs, and upper face. I think it’s safe to say, with a body like that, lusting is not going to be an issue.
How crazy is this!?
And then women wonder why they have trouble finding the sexy in marriage.
Modesty Is Biased
The great thing about this conversation about modesty and humanity is how fair and equal it is. Like how when a girl loses her virginity, it’s because a boy takes it. It’s so awesome how we always hear about how a girl takes a boy’s virginity, right? Oh wait……
This is messed up.
Illogically complicating the issue is the also common belief that women need protecting. And who is supposed to do the protection? Oh right – all these horny men!
Of course! That makes total sense!
Why do we tie the female worth so tightly to her sexuality? Ever since Genesis 24:16, humanity has been obsessed with, and women have been judged on the status of, their vagina.
Why does this purity discussion center on the women, who both take the blame and need protection? Where is the focus on male purity, virginity?
Or better yet, can we move the discussion past purity and virginity, past lust and modesty? Can we focus on our worth as humans instead?
Moving Past the Body
Women can’t be reduced to body parts.
The essence of femininity lies in our humanity.
The essence of masculinity lies in their humanity.
Women are not just objects for pleasure, and men are not just a pair of eyeballs with junk, ogling every single thing that walks by.
I believe women should be considered on the strength of who they are.
I believe men have the capability of seeing women for who they are, and not simply thinking about sex.
This discussion of modesty harms everyone.
We reduce men and women to the lowest levels when we assume women are nothing more than their bodies, and men are incapable of looking past that.
It’s time to abolish the one-piece rule.
It is only candor that is aloof from them,
only an inward clarity, unashamed,
that they cannot reach. Be ready.
When their light has picked you out
and their questions are asked, say to them:
“I am not ashamed.” A sure horizon
will come around you. – Wendell Berry
Your critique and observations are right on target. I believe firmly that men and women can — and must — see one another as more than sexual beings. Without denying the sexual part of who we are, we need to actively remind ourselves that we all — women and men — are more than just that part of us. Placing all the emphasis there enables men (and some women who buy into the system) to put all the blame on the women when “virtue” is lost. I don’t know that we can or should throw modesty completely out the window, but I also don’t think it works to reduce it to a set of rules about what can and cannot show, lest someone possibly be tempted by an errant bit of flesh. In strict Muslim societies even a hint of ankle or hand can be considered a serious transgression. Really? Are we that insecure with our bodies?
‘I don’t know that we can or should throw modesty completely out the window’- I agree. I’m not sure where that balance is though, or how to even go about finding it.
eyeballs with junk!!
i went to a bible study this week that went off the deep end re: modesty. someone said that girls who wear strappy tanks dishonor their fathers–or have a bad relationship with them, and i thought, what have i gotten myself into?? (i sat there in my strappy dress that i happened to have put a “legal” tank underneath–for those *women!*–but damn if i don’t wear those scandalous straps by themselves most days;)
it’s all so subjective and shaming. and creepy how they gets dads and brothers involved. if anything, seeing a family member in a freaking tank top ought to prove that women are MORE than a set of boobs. fundamentalist culture is a MESS.
Legal tank, haha. I’m kind of nervous that I’m going to end up somewhere this summer wearing my suit with people that will be offended by it.
I’ve been trying to think about why people are so obsessed with modesty and how I changed my mind so much, to try and figure out how we can help to change that culture….but it’s such a series of small events and thoughts and pain, that I can’t distill much of anything. I’m feeling it much more now that my oldest is 11 and I need to start countering the modesty stuff that is going to start ramping up, and I am at such a loss.
yep our culture is messed up and so are many many Christians…we judge and we shame at times..but Lust and modesty are scriptural issues to wrestle with. Much like drinking and the weaker brother its a lot of gray areas …not fifty shades but a lot of gray areas…I think the real bummer is what suzannah is talking about – we tend (Christians) to get in little circles of people and be very bold about our conviction and tend to silence any opposition – its a lot easier to share a strong conviction in a way to silence people than have a hard conversation seeking to understand people – I will weigh in on a personal level – I love modesty – i think it protects everyone and keeps that which is for private exploration from being a public exhibition…but i don’t know the lines -how tight – how low – how short – and honestly some people have figures that make it even a harder task…much grace must be practiced because each one of us has a different conviction. I wonder with it all of this being issues – why is it so taboo to talk about how we dress with each other?