Emotional Pacifism – Laying Down My Weapons

Photo Credit: Greta Ceresini

“My kingdom is not from this world.  If my kingdom were from this world, my followers would be fighting…”

I read this verse in John during Holy Week and realized I fight for Jesus.  I need to lay down my weapons.  I need to stop fighting for him.  Need to stop fighting for what people think of him, fighting for how people misuse him.  It’s so easy for me to get caught up in the rules and the politics, the idea that his kingdom is a worldly one, a human one, and it needs me to fight for it.

I speak pacifism, but I’m no better than Peter in the garden with a sword.  I have been legitimately and profoundly hurt over and over again in Jesus’ name, and those scars have somehow turned into swords as I insist people stop being so mean!

I forget so easily our call is to follow Jesus and live out redemption and restoration loving God and others.  And instead I brush with broad strokes so many people, lumping them in with the hurtful ones, assuming your denomination makes up the sum of who you are.

I need to lay my weapons down.  All who take up the sword die by the sword.  I cut myself off from honesty and community when I make snap judgments and start firing bullets.

I read a sermon about how the Church needs evangelicals and mainliners, just like a body needs to inhale and exhale.  And all I could think was, what if you’re breathing polluted air?  But I don’t know if it’s healthy for me to continually be pointing out pollution.  I absolutely believe there are dangerous systemic sins in the evangelical movement, and we need people to be breaking down the doors.

But I don’t know how to keep doing that while trying to let my bitterness seep away.  I don’t know how to address issues without turning mean and hateful.  {The #ERLCSummit is a prime example.}  Junk needs to be called out.  People need to be loved and supported.  But personally, it’s a fine line between speaking up and being toxically angry.  And it’s difficult in knowing where that line is, and it isn’t going to be the same for every person, for every bridge builder and reconciler.  I have to remember, like Glen says, not to lump them all together.  I have to remember my dear friend who is a Baptist pastors’ wife and I know they are not all like that.

I have to find a way to lay down my weapons.  The kingdom is not one of rightness and wrongness.  It’s not for me to convince people who don’t want to hear, that wedges are being driven between people and Jesus.

It is blindingly obvious and borderline Christian cheese, but the only person I can change is myself.  I can only do my best to live into what I believe, can only follow Jesus down the road he is leading me on.  Maybe part of this struggle is my personality; maybe part of it is the learned behavior from evangelicalism where there is a fierce obligation to prove their rightness.  But it’s just not emotionally healthy for me.  Or anyone I meet.

I’ve purposely joined a small group of mostly evangelical women, and it’s been fairly amazing.  They are continually breaking down my assumptions of what ‘those people’ are like.  Part of laying down weapons is keeping arms open to people, even when I have a learned wariness about them.  It is humbling to be disarmed by welcoming love when you’re braced for a fight.

Part of walking around weaponless is to be reminded that all people are worth knowing, worth loving.  And knowing them is worth the risk of getting burned in the same ways again.  Doesn’t seeking the way of non-violence mean accepting risk?  How can I accept the risk of love, the threat of abandonment, if I withdraw into bitterness?

For the good of humanity, I have to lay down my weapons.  I have to give up my pride in being right, in being heard.  I have to keep learning the humility of following Jesus no matter what other people think.

I have to lay down my arms.  The kingdom is not of this world. 

 

Linking up with Kathy’s synchroblog on Bridging the Divides.

Here’s the list of other bloggers contributing posts related to healing the divides this month:

37 Comments

  1. Christianne April 22, 2014 at 9:37 am

    Amen! This is so good, Caris. I agree the challenge of nonviolence begins with our own hearts. When I began to walk the path of nonviolence, it slowly led me here too. One book you might find helpful in this vein is John Dear’s “Disarming the Heart.” It’s a little book, but it speaks to this challenge.

  2. Glen McGraw April 22, 2014 at 1:22 pm

    Thank you for the mention! Your post is excellent. So often when see the self-appointed “leaders” of the evangelical and Baptist churches say or do the things they do I get angry. In a way, it’s like when your family intentionally embarrasses you in public. Just like in that case, I at times respond rashly. Not sure how much good that will do to lead change.

    You have done well and given me something to focus on in my effect to be one of the remnant.

  3. Ed_Cyzewski April 22, 2014 at 2:35 pm

    I’m with you. And part of what’s hard is knowing when I’m advocating for others and when I’m advocating for the sake of my own self-justification. :/

  4. Rebecca Erwin April 22, 2014 at 3:46 pm

    Well said. It is a hard road to walk-in the gray-but my faith is richer for it.

  5. Carly Gelsinger April 22, 2014 at 9:30 pm

    That’s an interesting intentional move to join a group of evangelical women, and I like it. Stops you from labeling them as “those people”, you know?

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  13. Juliet Birkbeck April 23, 2014 at 1:21 am

    ‘It is humbling to be disarmed by welcoming love when you’re braced for a fight.’

    So true! And I have found myself arguing vehemently with people about it being only love that matters in the end, and then realising that I am practically assaulting them with my beliefs, not loving them at all.
    This is a powerful post. A good reminder of the need and difficulty of matching our lives to our words. Thank you, Caris.

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  20. Liz Dyer April 23, 2014 at 10:49 am

    Caris, Thanks for joining the synchroblog. The links are available now to add to the end of your post.

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  26. Jen Baros April 23, 2014 at 3:31 pm

    “I have been legitimately and profoundly hurt over and over again in Jesus’ name, and those scars have somehow turned into swords as I insist people stop being so mean!”

    This resonates with me so very much. Thank you for so vividly describing what’s needed: laying down my weapons so that my arms are open. Exactly!

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  31. AbbessBrown April 25, 2014 at 10:04 am

    Beautiful words hauntingly written, as though you’re in my head! This is the sweet and simple power of being indwelt by the Spirit…it’s not you that is in my head, but the Spirit that is in our hearts, speaking truth and leading us out of the darkness. Thanks for participating in this synchroblog… Clearly I need to spend some time reading here. Be blessed, sister!

  32. Monica Benton April 26, 2014 at 9:53 am

    To letting go the bitterness and not pick up the sword.

  33. Gayl Wright April 26, 2014 at 11:44 am

    “For the good of humanity, I have to lay down my weapons. I have to give up my pride in being right, in being heard. I have to keep learning the humility of following Jesus no matter what other people think.” This is so good, Caris. We do need to be able to listen to others and not be quick to judge. And we all need to show more love.

  34. Liz Dyer April 28, 2014 at 4:23 pm

    Caris – this is very convicting! You are right – it is a “fine line between speaking up and being toxically angry” – We have to learn to live somewhere in the tension.

  35. Aunt Tasty May 14, 2014 at 12:19 pm

    This is so very good. And I’m a little bit mad about that.

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