I was really depressed Saturday night. I talked to myself like you shouldn’t talk to people.
This is a battle, a war. And the casualties could be your hearts and souls.
And then I had a glass of wine, and I got pissed. I got a baseball bat and I broke some wine glasses that had some symbolism to them.
Boys, you must strive to find your own voice. Because the longer you wait to begin, the less likely you are to find it at all. Thoreau said, “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation.” Don’t be resigned to that. Break out!
I’ve been in therapy since the beginning of the summer because I realized that my extreme emotional swings aren’t normal, even for an INFJ, and that I really need to address my issues of low self-esteem and worthlessness. I’ve been binging on Brené Brown for a few weeks, along with some other books, and it’s maybe helping a little bit.
No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world.
But here’s the deal. My main issue of not thinking I’m worth anything comes from a specific person. But the residual effects of it come from the other institution I’ve been affiliated with my whole life – church.
I stand upon my desk to remind myself that we must constantly look at things in a different way.
And when shit like this happens, I see everyone saying ‘oh love people, reach out to them, blahblahblah’. Which is great. I got that on Saturday night and it really helped. But one of the reasons I adore Dead Poet’s Society especially, is that it taught – teaches – me lessons about life and about my worth that I rarely got from Christians.
Now we all have a great need for acceptance, but you must trust that your beliefs are unique, your own, even though others may think them odd or unpopular, even though the herd may go “that’s baaaaad.” Robert Frost said, “Two roads diverged in the wood and I, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.”
What I wish all these Christians knew was that every time they post about how disappointed or upset they are with Gungor-type stories, every time they talk about how great movies like God’s Not Dead are, every time they share Relevant articles about how you shouldn’t leave the church, every time you refuse to engage the topics of women in the church, homosexuality, racism, privilege, etc………you tell me the things that matter to me (and frankly to Jesus) don’t matter, and therefore I don’t matter.
“I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life…To put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived.”
If I can literally tell you I don’t feel welcome in your church and you continue to ignore me? I don’t want to hear shit about how much you want to love on people. Until Christians realize their dogmatism and lack of empathy is a Thing, they are going to continue to be a major factor in manymanymany people’s depressions and suicides.
Truth like-like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold…..Y-Y-You push it, stretch it, it’ll never be enough. You kick at it, beat it, it’ll never cover any of us. From the moment we enter crying t-to the moment we leave dying, it’ll just cover your face as you wail and cry and scream.
The theme of my writing is about affirming the humanity in people, and even though, especially as Christians that should be obvious, it’s not. Christians are who taught me to dehumanize people. (It is also Christians who have taught me to love people over the last few years, who have convinced me not to give up on this whole broken world.) But when I sit and listen to people talk about prayer curing depression and I have a panic attack because of it……….just, OMG. Church! We have to do better. FFS. Real lives are on the line here.
They’re not that different from you, are they? Same haircuts. Full of hormones, just like you. Invincible, just like you feel. The world is their oyster. They believe they’re destined for great things, just like many of you, their eyes are full of hope, just like you. Did they wait until it was too late to make from their lives even one iota of what they were capable? Because, you see gentlemen, these boys are now fertilizing daffodils. But if you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it? – – Carpe – – hear it? – – Carpe, carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary.
At some point, the rubber hits the road and Sunday faith has to bleed over into the lived, broken experiences of people. And I have to believe that is possible. I need to believe Jesus is more than prayer and the Christian Industry. The Jesus you can buy in a bookstore does not cut it when it comes to depression, mental illness, systemic oppression, poverty, medical bills, learning disabilities, and on and on and on. I have not been taught – and still continue to not see – real life, healthy solutions for living, from a church environment. What is the church for if it’s not to affect people’s lived realities???
We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, “O me! O life!… of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless… of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?” Answer. That you are here – that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play *goes on* and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?
I am in therapy because Christians have rarely made me feel like I am worth anything. I watched Dead Poet’s Society tonight in memoriam, and here’s some wine and bread – Robin was an Episcopalian, you know – because that movie was Jesus. And I’ll take him any way I can, to hell with anything else.
Come my friends,
‘Tis not too late to seek a newer world…
for my purpose holds to sail beyond the sunset.
And though we are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;–
One equal temper of heroic hearts
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will.
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.
Oh Caris, I’m sorry you’re still struggling to find a welcome place in church, esp. this: “I have not been taught – and still continue to not see – real life, healthy solutions for living, from a church environment. What is the church for if it’s not to affect people’s lived realities???”
As a pastor I constantly preach about how God is especially with us in times of pain and struggle – and God is with you even now, especially now in your therapy. You’re right, you won’t find the Jesus of depression, oppression, poverty etc… at the Christian bookstore – you’ll find him on the cross bleeding for you, WITH you.
I’m so glad you’re getting help from a trained mental health professional. What many ill-informed Christians fail to recognize is that God can work through therapy and medication. We wouldn’t tell someone with cancer to pray it away and not see a doctor, mental illness should be no different.
You are SO strong and SO brave to be getting the help you need. Keep fighting! And I pray that your therapy is fruitful and helps you find answers to your deepest questions, and that you find a church home where those questions are given a place. Peace.
A raw and worthy tribute. I’m a little breathless.
Keep sucking the marrow, and carpe-ing the hell out of that diem, and for goodness sake keep writing!! … for one day our Jesus will come and with him, Peace.
I love your words here. Thank you.
Oh dear, you just wrote my heart out here, too. Thank you. You’re brave and beautiful and I see Jesus in your honesty and compassion.
Brilliant and pointed. At me. Thanks for letting it fly.
Yes, Caris. Yes. I don’t have many more words to say- just that you spoke what’s been in my heart too. The (non-christian) therapist I’ve been seeing for the past few years has taught me more about my heart shown me more grace and love and acceptance than years growing up in the church did.
Love this so much, Caris. *squeezes your hand*
This is a beautiful work of art, Caris. Thank you for your honesty and compassion.
Woah! that was my first instinct when I first found out, to go and watch DPS. I lost it at the end when I saw him say thank you at the end… as if by getting the message of this movie Iwas getting the message of his life as an artist. I know, it’s silly.
I just tried to stay at the margin of everything everyone had to say about Robin Williams passing, because I knew what would follow: lot’s of noise (Irony that yesterday I was just writing on that subject) … Anyway (I just deleted my examples), I’m glad I actually clicked and read about what you had to say about that.
And about this:
“At some point, the rubber hits the road and Sunday faith has to bleed over into the lived, broken experiences of people. And I have to believe that is possible. I need to believe Jesus is more than prayer and the Christian Industry. The Jesus you can buy in a bookstore does not cut it when it comes to depression, mental illness, systemic oppression, poverty, medical bills, learning disabilities, and on and on and on. I have not been taught – and still continue to not see – real life, healthy solutions for living, from a church environment. What is the church for if it’s not to affect people’s lived realities???”
Thank you for your honesty
Thank you so much for your honesty, Caris. I agree that the church has got to quit talking about what horrible sinners we are and start affirming the image of God in everyone.
YES YES YES. Thank you for writing good, hard truth here, Caris. I pray you’ll find a church home that is indeed HOME for you, not a place of rules/bigotry/judgmentalism. Well done, well said.
So true, Caris. Sometimes I really have the impression in church they do their best (maybe unconsciously) to keep you small and sick and depressed so they can be the big heroes.
Wow. What a sad day for humanity when the church is more hurtful and harmful with our precious souls than any other entity on this earth. Unpacking years of growing up Christian right now and Im pissed as hell, too. I feel duped and lied to. I was discarded as trash and the dark depression of it all nearly snatched my life. Pilgrimage to a new world, I say. Onward. Let those who so twistedly reflect an unloving God do so within their own lives, not mine. As for me, I will always have hope.
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In recent years I have become profoundly disturbed by the phrase “love on…”. I was guilty back in college of using it myself (*cringe*). It’s a phrase I have only ever heard used by Christians.
Being “loved on” makes me think I’m being loved over–where whether or not I perceive an act as loving is irrelevant, as long as the person doing the “loving” thought it was.
The idea of being “loved on” gives me that prickly feeling I get when I start to recognize a situation as potentially triggering for my claustrophobia. It feels smothering. It feels cloying. It feels like I have to make myself fit into a certain space that doesn’t give me the freedom to be fully me and still experience this love. It feels very surface-y.
I don’t want to be loved ON. I just wanted to be loved. Period.
Caris Adel: how bad do you want your healing and to crawl out of the abyss you experienced? Been through it, crawled out of the same pit and you will help others get through it. Had started reading every book on forgiveness could possibly lay hands on and research, that DIDN’T work.*
Get a pen and get ready, go to the reference department of your library and ask them to print you a list of all media address and emails and write and expose the injustices, better yet copy in report church abuse to the list on ripoff report.com, type in johnpauljackson and do all the reads by Tammy and Comments, there is a list to report church abuse to. EXPOSE please. Do not be afraid or intimidated. Example: Just read blog site where someone got removed by satanists, so true or it could have been people calling themselves Christians and behaving like warlocks and witches. Got removed off of cosmiccathedral for posting truth that they can’t handle or Got coerced by false ministries like IHOPU. Have read over sixty hours of abuse on IHOPU, over forty on Calvary Chapel (Google Alex Grenier and spiritualsoundingboard.com, each will refer you to other sites). Actually had bigger list regarding church abuse, started out with 350.
Discovered Derek Prince teachings on forgiveness and his wonderful books and ministry resources. Read lot’s of books on spiritual abuse like Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse by Johnson and Van Vonderan, Don’t Call Me Brother by Austin Miles & 2nd book, Cages of Pain by Gordon ?, Pagan Christianity by Frank Viola, Churches That Abuse by Ron Enroth-read his book and articles, 10 Lies the Church Tells Woman by J. Lee Grady, Tale of Three Kings by Gene Edwards, Salvation for Sale-Gerard Straub, Anything by Leonard Ravenhill and Arthur Katz they gave us model of the true, The Blue Print-Clifford H. James, Toxic Faith-Arterburn, Breaking Christian Curses by Dennis Cramer, Rapture Cult two books by James Lloyd, Sons of Zadok-C.R.Oliver, Three Battlegrounds by Francis Frangipane, Tormented by Ken/Nancy Curtis (you will see few errors), but the concept is good like Pigs in the Parlor by Frank/Ida Mae Hammond, Strongman His Name What’s His Game by Jerry/Carol Robeson. Sheepfold by Fran Lundquist. UTube Marjoe documentary. Haven’t read: Will the Real Heretics Please Stand Up by David Bercot and Restoration by D. Thomas Lancaster, people recommended
Read: Susan Forward, Ph.D., Dr. Laura books and Herb Goldberg to really get over church abuse, any type of abuse.
Three excellent teaching tapes on Jezebel Spirit which is what your were dealing with one by John Paul Jackson, NOT his book something wrong with the book, 14 characteristics is excellent ninety minutes along with Noel Alexander sixty minute one and Tim Davis has Ahab/Jezebel ninety minute tape. Great healing tape is teaching by graham Cooke on the life of joseph.
I was going to hell over my former pastor and a evil so- called Christian. Also look up website churchexiters contact her for help haven’t researched her yet and spiritualabuseawareness.com read definition of a cult. There’s more. By the way ministry you talked about has been corrected hardcore brutality corrected since 2000 and sent to correction list. Read Dick Sutphen’s Christian brainwashing. Later
Caris Adel: go to the blog site: spiritualsoundingboard and click on article mentioned at the bottom.
Erin and all commentors and headless unicorn guy: (in regards to mom’s responsibility article about abused in homeschool movement re: Doug Phillips), posted your site in comments mentioned below.
Erin don’t think the grass is greener on the other side. Spent more than half my life grieving that I was raised in the church and in a so-called Christian home that was anything but, no fruit in what false and abusive leadership is doing. Read my comments under article: “Blogger/Mother who posted public article about her daughter’s disobedience has changed her mind and removed, dated July 12, 2014. Amazing Grace How Sweet the Sound comments.
I’m not sure the attraction to the false church/leadership other than we were looking to be grafted into community and family and got abused because it was familiar spirit. Functional families help, encourage, support provide mentally, emotionally, spiritually and financially but we picked very dysfunctional family in false church system. Just some thoughts.
Caris Adel: it’s ok to seek and get counseling. Said this many times, that NO pastor, NO priest, No church or parents, people, any one person is worth going to hell over and I ought to know. I didn’t want to hear about life of suffering, or what called to or life had been hell or the why of it all. Agree with you, talking Christian Cantonese/churchanity is one thing, living and helping your fellow man is quite another. Dr. Laura/Dr. Phil on their shows and books have talked about poor counseling, make sure you’re in right and healthy council, we all have need of what you have to say. The world has need of you.
It’s like Lawyer’s, if you feel like you’re being compromised or sold a bill of goods and not getting the help you need, keep changing lawyers until you find one that will fight for you and report the corrupt ones to: media, lawyer referral board, lawyer magazine, martindale hubell, “whose a rat.com”; go to reference dept., of library and ask for more agencies etc.
Praying for you that you will get all the help you need and healing. Hugs.
Excellent write: Think of Eminem/ Slim Shady (Marshall Mathers) and the album “Jagged Little Pill” by A.M. They write some of their best works when Pissed off=angry. Here’s one for you, told this to church leaders for years: Whore takes money and screws the people, does that sound like
your pastor and or priest? NOT all like this, so few true. Find spiritual type father/mother that brings out the best in you, your gifts, callings and provides instead of the false being spiritual vampires and spiritual cannibals that they are.
I had one of those really ugly conversations with God that (I’m surprised he did not make me an ash or cinder for); went gnashing, lamenting griping, murmuring complaining, throwing tantrums for quite a while and one day he responded and said ” who are you to spit me in the face for who I put you under for your training”-WHEW did I repent. It had to do with church/pastor raised in, overall life circumstances. Someone once told me, “mess would be my message and test, testimony”. Good came out of it: write in defense of fatherless, widow, orphan, single parent(s) and their children, poor, homeless, men/women children and those in the grave that can’t speak for themselves. One of the last things told church leadership nationwide that the church was paving the way for hitlerism by NOT helping people. Friend came back and said Dietrich Bonehoffer said the same thing, don’t know what he said; it’s what I’m seeing.
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How are you doing? I read your articles from time to time, as well as refer others to them, they encourage me?
By the way, Susan Forward Ph.D reads started my journey of healing out of the abyss! Then discovered Herb Goldberg, Victoria Secunda, Dr. Laura, David Elkind’s books and my one friend sent my “Will I Ever Be Good Enough” by a K.M. (i think). REALLY APPRECIATE YOU! You know what did on Sunday’s is went for long drive’s and saw God’s creation put on Worship Music (Robin Mark-Revival In Belfast one very anointed CD, along with Even, So Come by Kevin Prosch and or Hungry CD and talked with God). Come to the conclusion you can’t get emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally well while in a church, so exiting was GREAT! Have friends, we’re as “iron sharpens iron”, we fellowship as Bible talks about 2-3 gathered wherever we meet and those divine appointments in the marketplace (pray for those).
The spiritualsoundingboard.com site has been great community because people can be themselves and wished could meet the commenters (some are just so righteous and make me laugh, at least it doesn’t make me cry); that Author found a safe Pastor! By the way was collecting sites of regime/movement not worth mentioning that you wrote “how ihop made me hate God” over and noticed so many are being removed which is sad for those who need to read and one site GOOD FOR THE GUY TO HAVE PELATOS calling MB “a warlock” and CAN’T DISAGREE! Discovered: The Fleecing of Christianity by Jackie Alnor and Thieves by Trey Smith. Pray for divine appointments and wish we could meet. You have a book in you (more in fact)! BE ENCOURAGED, LIVE in Joy Chapter, Psalms and Wisdom-Proverbs and put on Worship Music, Dance before the Lord! Keeping you in thot and prayer-always! Hugs! P.S. There’s one by Cutting Edge Group-Delerious a CD that’s really anointed “will have to get the title (Kevin Prosch’s “Save Us Oh God” really anointed also, along with “King of Saints”).