“The great task is to claim yourself for yourself.” – Nouwen

At 26, I had 5 kids under the age of 7.  I always knew I was pregnant when I stepped on the scale and it would go past the 100 lb. mark.

I’m 5’2”, petite, and I have issues with food.

I love it.  I love good, restaurant quality food.  Give me a delicious cut of steak, with goat cheese smeared on top and a balsamic reduction drizzled over it.  Or a rolled up chicken breast stuffed with goat cheese and basil, topped with a balsamic glaze, with a side of roasted peppers and an olive and roasted garlic appetizer.

I love good food.  Except for bread and pasta

Which is probably the main reason I’m skinny-fat.

But the other reason is that I don’t actually eat that much food.  I don’t know if you’ve noticed…..but food costs money.  Kind of a lot of money, actually.

And for a variety of reasons, I have money hang-ups, but what it boils down to is I don’t believe I am worth spending grocery money on, therefore I don’t eat very much.

And so people admire my thinness, while I squirm because I know it’s the product of genetics and shame.

I was not able to describe my relationship with food like that until this summer.  I didn’t even realize I might, maybe, probably have an issue with food until I started talking to a therapist.  And what I learned – am learning – was both surprising and freeing.

She told me I am this way because of events that occurred in my life.

I was not born like this.

And I don’t have to stay like this.

I can change the messages I tell myself about food and money.

Sometimes when I walk in the grocery store, I do it bravely.  I splurge on the olive bar.  I buy myself frozen meals and prepackaged lettuce to discourage me from using prep time as an excuse not to eat.

It is possible to wrestle shame off the grocery store floor, buckle it into the cart, and refuse to buy it candy in the check-out aisle.

It is possible to learn how to face your demons.

It is possible to choose worthiness even when shame tells you not to.

*****

Coming soon: Learning How To Walk With A Brave Heart – a zine for when shame gets in the way.