*****

I want to be done with exhausting myself with an idealistic vision of a life that will never exist.

“You’re afraid to be alive, you’re afraid to live.”

What does it mean to live an authentic life?  One that embraces the mess, the life that is, not the life that you want?  What is a life that seeks out the chaos and the unstable and gives them a bedroom in the attic because of love?

What kind of life is it that doesn’t force ‘the right thing’ or shame you for feeling ALL THE FEELINGS?  What kind of love tolerates a 4 am screaming fit about a book?

Silver Linings Playbook accepts, even celebrates, the fact that we are deeply messy, broken people.

“There’s always gonna be a part of me that’s sloppy and dirty, but I like that, with all the other parts of myself.”

What would happen if, at your next Bible study or small group you said that same thing?

What would it look like if we all admitted our sloppy and dirtiness  and admitted that we liked them – not just offering them up to be fixed?  Can we like our broken parts as much as our shiny ones?

I’m tired of feeling ashamed and guilty for not being good enough.  I’m tired of feeling like I need to constantly be in the midst of soul surgery.  Yes, we’re all works in progress, but it often feels like the goal is to get ourselves fixed up so we can present ourselves to the world as capable, blessed, accepted – loved.

But sometimes I just want to curl up on the couch in the midst of a messy house and read a book, you know?

Verses like Phil 2:15 and Eph 5:27 are given out as the standard to measure ourselves up against  and if we aren’t there, we need to work harder, be purer, cut off anything negative in us.  Because only what is pure and beautiful and good is what is wanted, what is lovable.  But what is more beautiful and good than seeing God in the brokenness?

We’re taught that if only the Israelites would have believed God, they would have saved themselves a lot of trouble.  If only Naomi would have trusted God, she wouldn’t have wasted her emotions on all that negativity.  If only I would read my Bible more, I would be nicer.  If only I prayed more, I’d yell less.

And maybe that’s true.  Maybe if I disciplined my kids more, they would be nearly perfectly obedient.  If I came down hard enough, often enough, I could probably get them to have quiet indoor voices all the time.

But is stifling their personalities, forcing them to suppress their emotions worth it?  I don’t want to raise robots.  I want to raise healthy adults.

“I want our home to be a place where we can be our bravest selves and our most fearful selves.” – Daring Greatly, Brené Brown.

I could make our house be a place where they were never allowed to fight with their siblings, never tell us when they’re mad at us.  But that doesn’t teach them how to handle their emotions.  It won’t teach them how to handle a boss or a spouse that they’ll get upset with.  Because emotions will always be with them.  Brokenness will always be a part of them.*

The goal isn’t to rid ourselves of brokenness.  The goal is to explore it, work towards healing and understanding, but to know it will always be there in some form.  If we want to be alive, if we don’t want to be afraid to live, perfection can’t be our goal.

I think there’s a sacred freedom in owning our brokenness.  In the sloppiness, I find honesty.  If I can accept the dirty parts of my life, I can leave if-only land.  It doesn’t matter if some of my wishes come true.  We’re still always going to be fragmented people, making our way toward wholeness.

If we’re not broken, what is redemption and resurrection for?  If I have to cut off part of my humanness in order to be acceptable, then what does incarnation even mean?

If I can only consider myself a good parent when I’m not yelling, not frustrated, not angry, not tired, not busy…..then I’m not a good parent that often.

But because God incarnates all of life – all of me – then these sloppy, dirty parts of me are important.

We do emotions in this house.  All of them.  The happy ones and the messy ones.  And I like that.  Along with all the other parts of us.

It doesn’t mean there’s never consequences for bad behavior.  Even Pat started taking his meds after a fight.  But my kids know emotions are nothing to be ashamed of.  We are what we are, and in our messy brokenness  we have the chance to live honest, vulnerable, authentic love.

Silver Linings Playbook is a real movie about loving and accepting people where they are.  It’s a great story of how we’re all broken, all a little crazy, and how we can be loved into wholeness.

“This ‘crazy sad shit’ as you call it, made you a happier, calmer person with a beautiful positive philosophy…”

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